I should get an Academy Award...as it's all been theatre...I am talking about grief and if I were to be perfectly honest, no, I am not ok-at times.
Just keeping it real. I was reading my good friends Barbara's blog this morning. And boy, does she speak the 100% truth about grieving and going on with one's life. ANYWAYS, back to my reality...it's all been this kabuki theatre. "Put on this happy face every single day"--well, what if I don't want to put on that happy face? Life in general is not fair, is it? From this to that; government, death, taxes and so on. I have no idea where I am going with this. Hopefully I will look back on this next year and go, WOW what a blubbering sissy. Oh, not every day is bad or worth crying over. Take last night for instance, I burst out laughing over that stupid tv show Big Bang Theory. My husband starred at me and went, "Oh, I bet that felt good, huh? That was a deep belly laugh, it's nice to hear you laughing again." Oops, I am not supposed to laugh, right? I know our son wouldn't want us to be so sad, but there it is...extreme sadness. NOT anger, just sadness.
God's love and grace has been amazing through this journey--has it only been a month? really? It seems a lifetime. Just keeping it real. Well, friends...like my good friend Barbara as expressed, adventure begins. The owner of a local 'redo' furniture store saw my for-sale ad on FB and she will be by this morning to pick up some furniture. That will make a total of what 12 pieces now? All this money and no place to go--meaning I better get going and find a place to live/ rent in FL and oh, I might want to start putting in job applications. No word yet on the mortgage etc. Yikes, have you seen the prices out there? I guess it's time to call in favors and reinforcements. None the less...
adventure awaits us. It is kind of scary, truly it is, especially at our age. We're not spring chickens anymore--the get up and just go has left long time ago. Folks keep saying, "Oh you're so brave and strong." Really? Hmm...let me reflect on that for a bit. I really need to step off this soap box of self-pity.
Hi Linda. What you have gone through is unbelievably difficult. God is with you, but it will take a long, long time, so be kind to and patient with yourself. Yes, laughing does feel good. Our bodies LOVE the respite of laughter. You and David remain in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you Deb...I'm just keeping it real.
DeleteOh Linda, I would not call you a blubbering sissy in the way you are handling your grief. You do what you need to do as you move through the grieving process. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Robin...there are good days and there are just plain rotten days. Just keeping it real.
DeleteOh no, "blubbering sissy" does not fit you at all. Tears, I still shed some all these years later. I refuse to slap myself for it. If they come, they come. Truth is that the memories are so sweet that smiles are more the norm and you will find that to be true as well...one day. Ongoing prayers as you work your way through the process. Sending love...
ReplyDeleteThanks Vee...I really appreciate your kindness, I truly do. Much love to you.
DeleteIt's so good to admit you are not okay all the time...I don't think anyone is. I have many sad days it is just important to push through them. You are going to be so happy about all the choices you have made once they are in the rear view mirror! I am excited FOR you!! HUGS
ReplyDeleteThanks, Annster...I am all about keeping it real.
DeleteLinda...I don't know what to say except just cry when you need to, and when you laugh, just laugh, Liam would want you to. You know with all of your heart that he is in heaven, but give yourself some grace as you miss him so much.... Again, I don't know what to say....sending you one big hug.
ReplyDeleteThanks Della. Just keeping it real. Thank you, sweet friend. Hugs right back.
DeleteWell done of the selling. Moving day should be here soon, it sounds.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if you'd checked for places to live and/or job applications. I pray this all goes smoothly. Still heading for Flagler County?
I left Barbara a comment on her nice blog but because my Blogger Account is wacky now I don't know if it went through.
Love & Blessings My Friend xx
Are you kidding me? You lost your son only a month ago! If you cry every day I think that's to be expected and if you laugh out loud every day that's ok too! I can't imagine anyone, especially you, thinking you're a blubbering sissy! You're strong and doing what has to be done! Ok sorry, I'm not yelling at you! I'm just keeping it real, too! HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. what you've just been through would be enough to stop most any of us in our tracks and cause us to just melt into a big puddle and never get back up. But GOD, in His mercy, takes us by the hands and gently lifts us back up on our feet and whispers how much He loves us in our ears and says, "Dance with me my child. Let me lead, and you follow, and I will carry you through the hard steps and lift you over the deep valleys and set you gently back down on solid ground. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Just follow. Lean on Me. Trust Me. I won't let go." ..."Oh, and Linda, My child, don't worry about those tears. I save every one in a bottle, sealed with My love.
ReplyDelete"You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book. " Psalm 56:8 NLT.
God's got this, Linda. Just follow His lead.
One day at a time..... that is about all there is... :)
ReplyDeleteUmmm, no. No way are you a sissy -- blubbering or not. Love your unvarnished candor with those of us who care.
ReplyDeleteFasten your seatbelts!
Linda, I hear all the time that I am so strong. Well, yes I am but it has been nearly a year and I still miss my best friend and partner and the tears still come at times. I think it will be that way for a while yet, if not always. Life does go on, though, and Joe would want me to be happy. I laugh and I go out with friends and I entertain again but it isn't the same and won't be again. Different. Life is just different. Not bad, just different. So yes, cry when there are tears and laugh where something is funny. The journey is real and the path is clear ahead. One day and one step at a time. Love & hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou just keep keeping it real. I would hope no one would expect you to smile all the time. You are doing good with all this planning.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda, I finally got to blog. God gave us emotions and you are keeping it real. I can't imagine losing a child. I do know the pain of losing my parents and my dad's death was really hard on me. Your grief is your grief and in your own timeframe. You also have a big move ahead and that can't be easy. I am keeping you in prayer♥
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book "Life Is Messy" by Matthew Kelly? I think it might speak to your heart and mind right now. Actually, there is probably something in it that would speak to any time of life. It's a good book. And hey, my friend, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You just do it the way you need to do it.
ReplyDeleteI know that the good Lord led me to read this specific post today for a reason . . . because of course we share the loss of an adult child, and also because, oddly enough, I'm working on a blog post about this type of grief and things you've said here. (I had to get the birthday post out of the way first.) It's going to be a couple or so days before I have it ready to actually post. May I mention you and provide a link to your blog? Many times when we express what we're going through, it can help others in their situations. You can say no if you're not comfortable with that. I want you to know that Jerry and I lift you and David up to the Lord in prayer each day. Everything you're saying and feeling is what I also said and felt, in my own way of course. We are not the same, we grieve differently, people do not understand that. One size grief does not fit all. You do what YOU feel like doing as you grieve. I suppport you. Sending you big hugs, lots of love, and saying blessings over you guys.
ReplyDeleteOh Linda, you are just an honest open book. I am wordless on grief. It is hard, cry when you want and if laughter over takes you I am betting Liam would smile at you. DO not ever feel ashamed or weak. You are standing upright. I am not sure what more a grieving mom could ask for. Talk with us, do whatever makes you feel better. Just give yourself a break, tell God I need a huge helping of extra grace! It is yours and GOD loves you and He wants you to have it. Don't slight yourself. You are not a blubbering sissy. You are a mother with a huge hole in your heart called grief. I was getting advice from two of my friends, both pastor's wives. They are both praying for you and have been. I am sending you BEAR HUGS, the kind John would give us when he came to visit. You need to to be enveloped in the arms of GOD and tell HIM to never set you down. Your deserving of everything good. Praying about your housing and hoping you can leave soon. HOusing is out of sight these days but somehow GOD will get you where you need to be. LOVE & PEACE & HUGS my friend, I hope you have sweet dreams. Get some well deserved rest, or try please. You are so important. LOVE YOU
ReplyDeleteI have always believed there is no shame in grieving and there should be no apologies. To grieve is a purging of one’s soul.
ReplyDeleteIt's not self-pity. It's the healing process. And it sure stinks sometimes. You just keep posting about how you feel as much as you want/need to. And when you are ready, I would love to hear more about your son. Sending continuous prayers for comfort for you and your husband. ((hugs))
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